she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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