I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
