I'm lost and stupid without you.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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