Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
