dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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