Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
