Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
This house was built for laser tag.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
