I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
