This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Randomize
