My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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