I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
