Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
