Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
not ubering you a puppy
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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