You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
