hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
