I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
