I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
