u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
