even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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