Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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