One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Randomize
