I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I AM VODKA MAN
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
