theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
