Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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