Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
