he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
