My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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