I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
