Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
