well I can't set my house on fire every night
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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