True but thats because hes a fetus.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's official drugs can't kill me
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
