I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
