I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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