Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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