i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
