Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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