Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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