i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
