Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
