Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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