an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
