And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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