two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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