how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
