I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
