I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
