i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
