You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
