But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize