i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
