1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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