did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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