you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
