Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
