census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
They are going to name an STD after you.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
