since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
