Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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