marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize