He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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